K006904.000.txt

LAW
IS A
Bottomless-Pit. Exemplified in the CASE of
The Lord Strutt, John Bull,
Nicholas Frog, and Lewis Baboon. Who spent all they had in a Law-Suit. rinted from a Manuscript found in the Cabinet of
the famous Sir Humphry Polesworth.LONDON:
Printed for John Morphew, near Stationer's-Hall.
1712. (Price 2d.)The Contents.CHAP. I.
THE Occasion of the Law-Suit.Chap. II. How Bull and Frog grew jealous
that the Lord Struit intended to give all his Cstom
to his Grandfather Lewis Baboon.Chap. III. A Copy of Bull and Frog's▪ Lette
Lord Struit.Chap. IV. How Bull and Frog went to Law 
Lord Strutt Premisses, and were joyn
by the rest of  Tradeen.Chap. V. The true Characters of John Bull, Nic
Frog, ad Hocus.Chap VI. Of the  Success of the Law-SuitChap. VII. How John Bull was so mightily pleas'd
with his Succes, that he was going to leave off
his Trade, and turn Lawyer.Chap. VIII. How John discver'd that Hocus had
an Intrigue with his Wife, and what follow'd
thereupon.Chap. IX. How Seigner Cavallo, an Italian Qua
undertk to Cure Mrs. Bull of her Ʋlcer.Chap. X. Of John Bull's second Wife, and the go
Advice that she gave him.Chap. XI. Hw John look'd over his Attorney's B.Chap. XII. How John grew Angry, and resolv'd
 a Composition; and what Methods w
practid by the Lawyers for keeping him fromChap. XIII. How the Lawyers agreed to send D
Diego Disallo, the Conjurer, to John Bull,
dissade him from making an end of his La
Sut; and what passed between them.LAW is a Bottomless-Pit.CHAP. I. The Occasion of the Law-Suit.I Need not tell you of the great Quarrels that have
happen'd in our Neighbourhood, since the Death
of the late Lord Strutt; how the Parson and a
cunning Attorney got him to settle his Estate upon
his Cousin Philip Baboon, to the great disappointment
of his Cousin Esquire South. Some stick not to say,
that the Parson and the Attorney forg'd a Will, for
which they were well Paid by the Family of the Baboons:
Let that be as it will, it is matter of Fact, that
the Honour and Estate have continued ever since in the
Person of Philip Baboon.You know that the Lord Strutts have for many Years
been possess'd of a very great Landed Estate, well conditiond,
wooded, waterd, with Coal, Salt, Tin, Copper,
Iron, &c. all within themselves; that it has been
the Misfortune of that Family, to be the Property of
their Stewards, Tradesmen, and inferior Servants, which
has brought great Incumbrances upon them; at the
same time not abating of their expensive way of Living,
has forc'd them to Mortgage their best Manors: It is
credibly reported, that the Butchers and Bakers Bills
of a Lord Strutt that lived Two hundred Years ago▪
are not yet paid.When Philip Baboon came first to the Possession of the
Lord Strutt's Estate, his Tradesmen as is usual upon
such Occasions, waited upon him to wish him Joy, and
bespeak his Custom: The two chief were John Bull the
Clothier, and Nic. Frog the Linnen-draper; they told
him, that the Bulls and Frogs had serv'd the Lord Strutts
with Drapery Ware for many Years; that they were
honest and fair Dealers; that their Bills had never been
question'd; that the Lord Strutts lived generously, and
never us'd to dirty their Fingers with Pen, Ink, and
Counters; that his Lordship might depend upon their
Honesty, that they would use him as kindly as they had
ne his Predecessors. The young Lord seemd to 
all in good Part, and dismiss'd them with a deal of 
Content, assuring them he did not intend to 
any of the honourable Maxims of his Predecessors.CHAP. II. How Bull and Frog grew jealous that the Lord Strutttended to give all his Customs to his Grandfather 
Baboon.IT happen'd unfortunately for the Peace of our Nebourhood,
that this Young Lord had an old cunni
Rogue (or as the Scots call it) a false Loon of a Grafather,
that one might justly call a Jack of all Tra
sometimes you would see him behind his Counter sell 
Broad Cloth, sometimes measuring Linnen, next Day 
would be dealing in Mercery Ware; high heads, Rbons,
Gloves, Fans and Lace he understood to a niceCharles Mather could not bubble a young Beau bet
with a Toy; nay, he would descend even to the sell
of Tape, Garters, and Shooe-buckles: When Shop 
shut up, he would go about the Neighbourhood and ea
Half a Crown by teaching the young Men and Maids 
Dance. By these Methods he had acquir'd imme
Riches. which he us'd to squander away at Back-Swor
Quarter-Staff, and Cudgel play, in which he took gre
Pleasure, and challeng'd all the Country. You will 
it is no wonder if Bull and Frog should be jealous of th
Fllow. It is not impossible (says Frog to Bull) but th
old Rogue will take the Management of the ou
Lord's Business into his Hands; besides, the Rasc
has good Ware, and will serve him as cheap as a
body in that Case: I leave you to judge what mu
become of us and our Families, we must starve or tu
Journeymen to Lewis Baboon; therefore Neighbou
I hold it adviseable, that we write to young LorStrutt, to know the Bottom of this Matter.CHAP. III. A Copy of Bull and Frog's Letter to the Lord Strutt.My LORDI Suppose your Lordship knows that the Bulls and the Frog
have served the Lord Strutts with all Sorts of Draper
Ware, Time out of Mind; and whereas we are jealous

not without Reason, that your Lordship intends henceforth to
buy of your Grandsire old Lewis Baboon; This is to inform
your Lordship, that this Procceediug does not suit with the
Circumstances of our Families, who have lived and made a
good Figure in the World by the Generosity of the Lord Strutts:
Therefore we think fit to acquaint your Lordship, that you
must find sufficient Security to us, our Heirs and Assigns, that
you will not employ Lewis Baboon, or else we take our Remedy
at Law clap an Action upon you of 20000 l. for old Debts,
seize and distrain your Goods and Chattels, which, considering
your Lordship's Circumstances, will plunge you into Difficulties,
from which it will not be easie to extricate your self;
therefore we hope, when your Lordship has better consider'd on
it, you will comply with the Desire ofYour loving Friends,
John Bull, Nic. Frog.Some of Bull's Friends advised him to take gentler
Methods with the young Lord; but John naturally lov'd
rough play. It is impossible to express the Surprize of
the Lord Strutt upon the Receipt of his Letter, he was
not flush in Ready, either to go to Law or clear old Debts,
neither could he find good Bail: He offer'd to bring
Matters to a friendly Accommodation; and promis'd
upon his Word of Honour, that he would not change his
Drapers; but all to no purpose, for Bull and Frog saw
clearly, that old Lewis would have the Cheating of
him.CHAP. IV. How Bull and Frog went to Law with Lord Strutt about
the Premisses, and were joyn'd by the rest of the Tradesmen.ALL Endeavours of Accommodation between Lord
Strutt and his Drapers prov'd vain, Jealousies
encreasd and indeed it was rumour'd abroad
that Lord Strutt had bespoke his new Liveries of old
Lewis Baboon. This coming to Mrs. Bull's Ears, when
John Bull came Home he found all his Family in an uproar.
Mrs. Bull, you must know, was very apt to be
Cholerick. You Sot, says she you loyter about Alehouses and
Taverns, spend your Time t Billiards, Nine-pins or Puppetshows,
or flaunt about the Strets in your new gilt Chariot,
never minding me nor your numerous Family; don't you hear

how Lord Strutt has bespoke his Liveries at Lewis Baboon's
shop? don't you see how that old Fox steals away your Customers,
and turns you out of your Business every Day, and you
sit like an idle Drone with your Hands in your Pockets? Fie
, up Man, rouze thy self; Ill sell to my Shift before
ll be so used by that Knave. You must think Mrs. Bull
had been pretty well tun'd up by Frog, who chim'd in
with her learnd Harangue. No further delay now, but
to Counsel learn'd in the Law they go, who unanimously
assur'd 'em both of the Justice and infallible Success of
their Law-Suit.I told you before, that old Lewis Baboon was a sort of
a Jack of all Trades, which made the rest of the Tradesmen
jealous, as well as Bull and Frog; they hearing of
the Quarrel, were glad of an opportunity of joyning
against old Lewis Baboon, provided that Bull and Frog
would bear the Charges of the Suit; even Lying Ned
the Chimney-sweeper and Tom the Dust-man put in their
Claims, and the Cause was put into the Hands of Humphrey
Hocus the Attorney.A Declaration was drawn up to shew, That Bull and
Frog had undoubted Right by Prescription to be Drapers
to the Lord Strutts; that there were several old
Contracts to that purpose; that Lewis Baboon had taken
up the Trade of Clothier and Draper, without serving
his Time, or purchasing his Freedom; that he sold
Goods that were not Marketable, without the Stamp;
that he himself was more fit for a Bully than a Tradesman,
and went about through all the Country Fairs,
challenging People to fight Prizes, Wrestling and
Cudgel-play: And abundance more to this purpose.CHAP. V. The true Characters of John Bull, Nic. Frog, and Hocus.FOR the better understanding the following History,
the Reader ought to know, That Bull, in the
main, was an honest plain-dealing Fellow, Cholerick,
Bold, and of a very unconstant Temper; he dreaded
not Old Lewis either at Back-Sword, single Fauchion,
or Cudgel-play; but then he was very apt to quarrel
with his best Friends, especially if they pretended to
govern him: If you fatter'd him▪ you might lead him
like a Child. John's Temper depended very much upon

the Air; his Spirits rose and fell with the Weather-glass.
John was quick, and understood his Business very well, but
no Man alive was more careless, in looking into his Accounts,
or more cheated by Partners, Apprentices, and
Servants: This was occasioned by his being a Boon-Companion,
loving his Bottle and his Diversion; for to say
Truth, no Man kept a better House than John, nor spent
his Money more generously. By plain and fair dealing,
John had acquir'd some Plumbs, and might have kept them,
had it not been for his unhappy Law-Suit.Nic. Frog was a cunning fly Whoreon, quite the reverse
of John in many Particulars; Covetous, Frugal; minded
domestick Affairs; would pine his Belly to save his Pocket,
never lost a Farthing by careless Servants, or bad Debtors:
He did not care much for any sort of Diversions, except
Tricks of High-German Artists, and Leger de main; no
Man exceeded Nic. in these, yet it must be own'd, That
Nic. was a fair Dealer, and in that way had acquir'd immense
Riches.Hocus was an old cunning Attorney, what he wanted of
Skil in Law, was made up by a Clerk which he kept, that
was the prettiest Felow in the World; he lov'd Money,
was smooth Tongu'd, gave good Words, and seldom lost his
Temper: He was not worse than an Infidel; for he provided
plentifuly for his Family, but he lov'd himself better
than them all: He had a termagant Wise, and, as the
Neighbours said, was plaguy Hen-peck'd; he was seldom
oberv'd, as some Atornies will practice to give his own
personal Evidence in Causes; he rather chose to do it per test.
conduct. in a word, the Man was very well for an Attorney.CHAP. VI. Of the various Success of the Law-Suit.LAW is a Bottomless Pit, it is a Cormorant, a Harpy that
devours every thing; John Bull was flatter'd by his
Lawyers that his Suit would not last above a Year
or two at most; that before that time he would be in
quiet Possession of his Business; yet ten long Years did
Hocus steer his Cause through all the Meanders of the
Law, and all the Courts; no Skill, no Address, was wanting;
and to say Truth, John did not starve the Cause:
there wanted not Tellow Boys to see Counsel, hire Witnesses,
and bribe Juries. Lord Strutt was generally Cast,

never had one Verdict in his favour; and John was promis'd.
That the next would be the final Determination;
but alas! that final Determination, and happy Conclusion
was like an inchanted Island, the nearer John came to it,
the further it went from him: New Tryals upon new
Points still arose; new Doubts, new Matters to be cleared
in short. Lawyers seldom part with so good a Cause ti
they have got the Oyster, and their Clients the Shell, John
Money, Book Debts, Bonds, Mortgages, all went into the
Lawyers Pockets; then John began to borrow Money up
in Bank-Stock, East-India Bonds, and now and then
 Farm went to Pot: At last it was thought a good Expedient
to set up Esquire South's Title to prove the Wi
Forg'd, and dispossess Philip Lord Strutt at once; here a
gain was a new Field for the Lawyers, and the Caul
grew more intricate than ever. John grew madder and
madder: Wherever he met any of Lord Strutt's Servants
he tore off their Cloaths: Now and then you
would see them come home naked, without Shoes
Stockings and Linnen. As for Old Lewis Baboon, he was
reduc'd to his last Shift, tho' he had as many as any other:
His Children were reduced from rich Silks to Doi
Stuff, his Servants in Rags and bare-Footed, instead or
good Victuals, they now lived upon Neck-Bees, and
Bullocks-Liver; in short, no Body got much by the Matter
but the Men of Law.CHAP, VII. How John Bull was so mightily pleas'd with his Success, tha
he was going to leav off his Trade, and turn Lawyer.IT is wisely observed by a great Philosopher, That Ha
bit is a second Nature: This was verify'd in the Case oJohn Bull, who from an honest and plain Tradesman,
had got such a haunt about the Courts of Justice
and such a Jargon of Law-words, that he concluded
himself as able a Lawyer, as any that pleaded at the Bar,
or sat on the Bench: He was overheard one day, talking
to himself after this manner, How capriciously does Fate
or Chance dispose of Mankind? How seldom is that
Business allotted to a Man for which he is fitted by
Nature? It is plain, I was intended for a Man of
Law: How did my Guardians mistake my Genius.
in placing me, like a mean Slave, behind a Counter?

Bless me! What immense Estates these Fellows raise
by the Law? Besides, it is the Profession of a Gentleman:
What a Pleasure it is to be victorious in a Cause?
To swagger at the Bar? What a Fool am I to drudge
any more in this Woollen Trade? for a Lawyer I was
born, and a Lawyer I will be; one is never too Old
to learn▪ All this while John had con'd over such a
Catalogue of hard words, as were enough to conjure up
the Devil; these he used to bubble indifferently in all
Companies, especially at Coffee-houses; so that his
Neighbour Tradesmen began to shun his Company as a
Man that was crackd. Instead of the Affairs of Blackwell-Hall,
and Price of Broad-cloath, Wooll, and Bayses,
he talk'd of nothing but Actions upon the Case, Returns,
Capias, alias capias, Demurrers, Venire facias, Replevins,
Supersedea's, Certiorari's, Writs of Error, Actions of Trovre
and Conversion, Trespasses, Precipes & Dedimus: This was
matter of Jest to the learned in Law; however Hocus and
the rest of the Tribe, encourag'd John in his Fancy, assuring
him, That he had a great Genius for Law: That
they question'd not but in time, he might raise Money
enough by it to reimburse him of all his Charges; That if
he study'd, he would undoubtedly arrive to the Dignity
of a Lord Chief Justice: as for the Advice of honest
Friends and Neighbours, John despis'd it; he look'd upon
them as Fellows of a low Genius, poor grovelling
Mechanicks; John reckon'd it more Honour to have
got one favourable Verdict than to have sold a Bale
of Broad-cloath. As for Nic. Frog, to say the Truth, he
was more prudent, for tho' he follow'd his Law-Suit
closely, he neglected not his Ordinary Business. but was
both in Court and in his Shop at the proper Hours.CHAP. VIII. How John discover'd that Hocus had an Intrigue with his
Wife, and what follow'd thereupon.JOhn had not run on a madding so long had it not
been for an extravagant Bitch of a Wife, whom Hocus
perceiving John to be fond of, resolv'd to win over
to his side. It is a true saying, That the last Man of the
Parish that knows of his Cuckoldom, is himself. It 'twas
observed by all the Neighbourhood, that Hocus had
Dealings with John's Wife, that were not so much for

his Honour; but this was perceiv'd by John a little too
late: She was a luxurious Jade, lov'd splendid Equipages,
Plays, Treats, and Bals, differing very much from the
sober Manners of her Ancestors, and by no means fit
for a Tradesman's Wife. Hocus fed er Extravagancy
(what was still more shameful) with John's own Money.
Every body said that Hocus had a Months mind to her
Body; be that as it will, it is matter of Fact, that upon
all occasions she run out extravagantly on the Praise
of Hocus. When John us'd to be finding fault with
his Bills, she us'd to reproach him as ungrateful to his greatest
Benefactor; One that had taken so much pains in
his Law-Suit, and retriev'd his Family from the Oppression
of old Lewis Baboon. A good swinging Sum of John's
readiest Cash, went towards building of Hocus's Country
House. This Affair between Hocus and Mrs. Bull was now
so open, that all the World were scandaliz'd at it;
John was not so Clod-pated, but at last he took the Hint.
The Parson of the Parish Preaching one Day a little sharply
against Adultery, Mrs. Bull told her Husband▪ That he
was a very uncivil Fellow to use such course Language
before People o Condition, That Hocus was of the same
mind, and that they would joyn to have him turn'd out
of his Living for using personal Reflections. How do
you mean, says John, by personal Reflections? I hope
in God, Wie, he did not reflect upon you. No, thank
God, my Reputation is too well established in the World
to receive any hurt from such a oul Mouth'd Scoundrel
as he; his Doctrine tends only to make Husbands
Tyrants, and Wive Slaves; must we be shut up, and
Husbands left to their Liberty? Very pretty indeed; a
Wie must never go abroad with a Platonick to see a
Play or a Ball, she must never stir without her Husband;
nor walk in Spring Garden with a Cousin. I
do say, Husband, and I will stand by it, That without
the innocent Freedoms of Life, Matrimony would be a
most intollerable State; And that a Wie's Virtue,
ought to be the result of her own reason, and not
of her Husbands Government; for my part, I would
scorn a Husband that would be Jealous, if he saw
a Fellow in Bed with me. All this while John's
Blood boyl'd o his Veins, he was now confirm'd

in all his Suspicions; Jade, Bitch and Whore were
the best Words that John gave her. Things went from
better to worse, 'till Mrs. Bull aim'd a Knife at John, tho'
John threw a Bottle at her Head very brutally indeed:
After this there was nothing but Confusion; Bottles,
Glasses, Spoons, Plates, Knives, Forks, and Dishes flew
about like Dust, reslt of which was, That Mrs. Bull
receiv'd a bruise in her Right side, of which she dy'd
half a Year after: The Bruise imposthumated, and
afterwards turn'd to a stinking Ulcer, which made every
body shie to come near her she melt so; yet she wanted
not the help of many able Physicians, who attended very
diligently, and did what Men of skill could do, but all
to no purpose, for her Condition was now quite desperate,
all regular Physicians and her nearest Relations
having giv'n her over.CHAP. IX. How Signior Cavallo, an Italian Quack, undertook to Cure
Mrs. Bull of her Ulcer.THere is nothing so impossible in Nature, but Montebanks
will undertake; nothing so incredible,
but they will affirm: Mrs. Bull's Condition was
look'd upon as desperate by all the Men of Art; then
Signior Cavallo judged it was high time for him to interpose,
he bragged that he had an infallible Ointment and
Plaister, which being applied to the Sore would Cure
it in a few Days; at the same time he would give her
a Pill that would purge off all her bad Humours, sweeten
her Blood, and rectifie her disturb'd Imagination: In
spite of all Signior Cavallo's Applications the Patient
grew worse every Day, she stank so no body durst come
within a Stone's throw of her, except Signior Cavallo
and his Wife▪ whom he sent every Day to Dress her, she
having a very gentle soft Hand. All this while Signior
apprehended no Danger. If one ask'd him how Mrs.
Bull did, better and better, says Signior Cavallo; the
Parts heal, and her Constitution mends, if she submits
to my Government▪ she will be abroad in a little time.
Nay, it is reported, that he wrote to her Friends in the
Country, that she should Dance a Jig next October in
Westmister-Hall; that her Illness had been chiefly owing
to bad Physicians. At last Signior one Day was sent

for in great haste, his Patient growing worse and worse;
when he came he affirmed, that it was a gross Mistake,
that she never was in a fairer Way: Bring hither the
Salve, says he; and give her a plentiful Draught of my
Cordial. As he was applying his Ointments, and administring
the Cordial▪ the Patient gave up the Ghost, to
the great Confusion of Signior Cavalio, and the great Joy
of Bull and his Friends. Signior slung away out of the
House in great disorder, and swore there was foul Play,
for he was sure his Medicines were infallible. Mrs. Bull
having dy'd without any Signs of Repentance or Devotion,
the Clergy would hardly allow her Christian Burial.
The Relations had once resolved to sue John for
the Murder, but considering better of it, and that such
a Trial would rip up old Sores, and discover things not
so much to the Reputation of the Deceased, they dropt
their Design. She left no Will, only there was found
in her strong Box the following Words wrote on a scrip
of Paper, My Curse on John Bull and all my Posterity, if
ever they come to any Composition with my Lord Strutt.
There were many Epitaphs writ upon her, one was as
follows;
Here lies John't WifePlague of his Life;She spent his Wealth,She wrong'd his Health,And left him Daughters three,As bad as she.The Daughters Names were Polemia, Discordia and
Ʋsuria.CHAP. X. Of John Bull's second Wise, and the good Advice that she
gave him.JOHN quickly got the better of his Grief, and seeing
that neither his Constitution, nor the Affairs of his
Family could permit him to live in an unmarried State
he resolved to get him another Wife; a Cousin of his
last Wife's was propos'd, but John would have no more
of the Breed: In short, he wedded a sober Country
Gentlewoman, of a good Family and a pentiful Fortune;
the reverse of the other in her Temper, not but
that she lov'd Money, for she was of a saving Temper,
and apply'd her Fortune to pay John's clamarous Debts,
that the unfrugal Methods of his last Wife, and this ruinous
Law Suit had brought him into. One day as she
 her Husband in good Humour, she talk'd to him

after the following manner. My Dear, since I have been
our Wife, I have Observd great Abuses and Disorders in
ur Family; your Servants are mutinous and quarrelsom,
d cheat you most abominably; your Cook-Maid is in Comination
with your Butcher, Poulterer, and Wishmonger;
ur Butler purloin your Liquor and your Brewr sells your
ogwash; your Baker cheats both in Weight and in Tale;
en your Milkwoman and your Nursary Maid have a Fellow
eling; your Taylor, instead of Shreads, Cabages whole
ards of Cloth; besides leaving such long Scores, and not
ing to Market with ready Money, forces us to take bad Ware
 the Tradesmen at their own Price. You have not posted
 Books these Ten Years; how is it possible for a Man of
usiness to keep his Affairs even in the World at this Rate?
ay God this Hocus be Honest; would to God you would
 over his Bills, and see how Matters stand between Frog
d you; prodigious Sums are spent in this Law Suit, and more
st be borrow'd of Scriveners and Usurers at heavy Interest;
sides, my Dear, let me beg of you to lay aside that wild
ject of leaving your Business to turn Lawyer, for which,
 me tell you, Nature never design'd you. Believe me, these
gues do but flatter, that they may pick your Pocket. Johnard her all this while with patience, till she prcik'd
 Maggot, and touch'd his tender point; then he broke
 in a violent Passion. What, I not fit for a Lawyer!
 me tell you, my Clodpated Relations spoil'd the greatest
ius in the World when they bred me a Mechanick. Lord
tt and his Old Rogue of a Gransire have found to their
, that I can magine a Law Suit as well as another. I
 deny what you say, says Mrs. Bull, nor do I call in que
your Parts, but I say it does not suit with your Circumces;
you and your Predecessors have Liv'd in good Repuon
among your Neighbours by this same Cloathing Trade,
 it were madness to leave it off. Besides, there are few
 know all the Tricks and Cheats of these Lawyers; does
our own Experience teach you how they have drawn you
om one Term to another, and how you have danc'd the
 of all the Courts, still flattering you with a final Issue,
 for ought I can see, your Cause is not a bit clearer than it
 seven Years ago. I will be Damn'd says John if I 
of any Composition from Strutt or his Grandfather; I'll
 wheel about the Streets an Engine to grind Knives and

Scissars; however I'll take your Advice; and look over my Accounts.CHAP. XI. How John look'd over his Attorney's Bill.WHen John first brought out the Bills, the Surprize
of all the Family was unexpressible, at the prodigious
Dimensions of them; in short, they would
have measur'd with the best Bale of Cloath in John's Shop.
Fees to Judges, puny Judges, Clerks, Prothonotories,
Philizers, Cirographers, Underclerks, Proclamators,
Council, Witnesses, Jury-Men, Marshals, Tipstaffs,
Cryers, Porters; for Enrollings, Exemplifications, Bails,
Vouchers Returns, Caveas, Examinations, Filngs of
Words, Entries, Declarations, Replications, Recordats,
Nolle Pros qi's, Certiorari's, Mittimus, Demurrers, Special
Verdicts, Informations, Scire Facius, Supersiedeas abeas Corpus,
Coach-hire, Treating of Witnesses, &c. Verily;
says John, there are a prodigious Number of learned Words
in this Law, what a pretty Science it is! Ay, but Husband,
you have paid for every sylable and Letter of these fine Words;
bless me, what immense Sums are at the bottom of the Accompt!
John spent several Weeks in looking over his Bills,
and by comparing and stating his Accompts, he discoverd
that, besides the Extravagance of every Article,
he had been egregiously cheated; that he had paid for
Councel that were never fee'd, for Writs that were never
drawn, for Dinners that were never dress'd, and Journeys
that were never made: In short, that Hocus and Frog
had agreed to throw the Burden of the Law-Suit upon
his Shoulders.CHAP. XII. How John grew Angry, resolved to accept a Composition; and
what Methods were practis'd by the Lawyers for keeping
him from it.WELL might the Learn'd Daniel Burgess say, That
a Law-Suit is a Suit for Life. He that sows his
Grain upon Marble, will have many a hungry
Belly before Harvest. This John felt by woful Experience.
Johns Cause was a good milch Cow, and many a
Man subsisted his Family out of it. However John began
to think it high time to look about him; he had a
Cousin in the Country, one Sir Roger Bold, whose Predecessors
had been bred up to the Law, and knew as
much of it as any Body; but having left off the Profession

for some time, they took great pleasure in Compounding
Law-Suits amongst their Neighbours, for
which they were the Aversion of the Gentlemen of the
Long Robe, and at perpetual War with all the Country
Attorneys. John put his Cause in Sir Roger's Hands, desiring
him to make the best of it; the News had no sooner
reach'd the Ears of the Lawyers, but they were all
in an Uproar. They brought all the rest of the Tradesmen
upon John: 'Squire South swore he was betrayd,
that he would starve before he compounded; Frog said
he was highly wrong'd, ev'n lying Ned the Chimney-sweeper,
and Tom the Dust-man complain'd that their
Interest was sacrific'd: As for Hocuss Wife, she took a
Hackney-Chair and came to John's House immediately
and fell a scolding at his Wife like the Mother of Belzebub,You silly, aukward, ill-bred, Country Sow you,
have you no more Manners than to rail at my Husband,
that has sav'd that Clod-pated, Num-skull'd
Ninny hammer of yours from Ruin and all his Family?
it is well known how he has rose early and sate up
late to make him easy, when he was Sotting at every
Ale-house in Town. I knew his last Wife, she was a
Woman of breeding, good humour, and complaisance,
knew how to live in the World; as for you, you look
like a Puppet mov'd by Clock-work; your Cloaths
hang upon you, as they were upon Tenter-hooks, and
you come into a Room as you were going to steal away
a Piss pot; get you gone into the Country to look af- your
Mothers Poultry, to milk the Cows, churn the
Butter, and dress up Nosegays for a Holy-Day, and
meddle not with Matters that you know no more of,
than the Sign-post before your Door: It is well known
that my Husband has an establish'd Reputation, he
never swore an Oath, nor told a Lie in all his Life:
He is grateful to his Benefactors, faithful to his Friends
liberal to his Dependants, and dutiful to his Superiors;
he values not your Money more than the Dust under
his Feet, but he hates to be abus'd: Once for all, Mrs.
Mynx, leave off talking of my Husband, or I will pull
out these Saucer Eyes of yours, and make that redstreak
Country-Face look as raw as an Ox Cheek upon
a Butcher's Stall; remember, I say, that there are

Pillories and Ducking-stools. With this, away she flung,
leaving Mrs. Bull no time to reply: No Stone was left
unturnd to fright John from this Composition. Sometimes
they spread Reports at Coffee-houses, that John and
his Wife were ran mad; tt they intended to give up
House, and make over all the Estate to Old Lewis Baboon
that John had been often talking to himself, and seen in
the Streets without Shoes or Stockings; That he did
nothing from Morning to Night but beat his Servants,
after having been the best Master alive; as for his Wife
she was a meer Natural. Sometimes John's House was
beset with a whole Regiment of Attorneys Clerks, Bailiffs
Followers, and other small retainers of the Law, who
threw Stones at his Windows, and Dirt at himself, as he
went along, the Street. When John complain'd of want
of ready Money to carry on his Suit, they advis'd him to
pawn his Plate and Jewels, and that Mrs. Bull should
sell her Linnnen and Wearing Cloaths.CHAP. XIII. How the Lawyers agreed to send Don Diego Dismallo, the
Conjurer, to John Bull▪ to diswade him from making an
end of his Law Suit; and what pass'd between them.Bull.HOw does my good Friend Don Diego?Don.Never worse Who can be easie when
their Friends are playing the Fool?Bull.But then you may be easie, for I am resolv'd to
play the Fool no longer: I wish I had hearken'd to your
Advice, and compounded this Law Suit sooner.Don.It is true; I was then against the ruinous ways of
this Law Suit, but looking over my Scheme since, I find
there is an Error in my Calculation. Sol and Jupiter
were in a wrong House, but I have now discover'd
their true Places: I tell you I find that the Stars are
unanimously of Opinion, that you will be successful in this
Cause; That Lewis will come to an untimely ,
and Strutt will be turn'd out of Doors by his Wife and
Children. Then he went on with a Torrent of Eclypticks,
Cycles Epicycles, Ascendants, Trines, Quadrants,
Conjunctions Bulls, Bears, Goats, and Rams, and abundance
of hard Words, which being, put together, signify'd
nothing. John all this while stood gaping and staring,
like a Man in a Trance.FINIS.